Average Swingers

Ripping Off the Labels

Whatever the label is, it carries a specific connotation along with it. Sometimes it’s positive. Other times it’s positively awful. I suppose labeling is a form of categorization. Categorization is also a form of boxing/storing. I don’t want to categorized, lumped together with others. I, like everyone else in the world, am an individual with special qualities, needs, wants and desires. I’m as guilty of labeling people as anyone. I’ve lived a large part of my life trying to determine who people are based on their labels. Perhaps through age/maturity, it’s become increasingly apparent to me I have to actually rip off the labels in order to see who the person is underneath. Even with my own self.

Our entrance into the “lifestyle” years ago was clouded by numerous labels and like a lot of others, I bought into wearing them. I wore the Swinger name badge loud and proud. What I failed to realize was while wearing that label, I also tried to epitomize the definitions society tacked on to it. That was my fault. That was me trying to be what I thought was expected of me, and not me being my authentic self. (Honestly, I’m still trying to work on figuring that out.)

On the surface, it seems the larger part of society defines swinging as a sexual activity between couples with no strings attached. A purely physical connection, void of feelings other than those generated in your nether regions. I took that seriously, especially when we ran into many other couples who also were in this to “just have fun”. I wasn’t trying to make friends. I was trying to get laid. I’m stubborn, obstinate and had to figure out on my own that wasn’t me. The label I was making myself wear wasn’t who I was; however, keeping up the facade was a lot easier than ripping it off and figuring out who and what I really wanted to be in this “lifestyle”.

[quote]I wonder how many other newbies start off this way?[/quote]

I wonder how many couples want the thrill of fucking but have ignored/forgotten emotions and feelings are attached to this most primitive of act? Most likely the initial feeling created is lust, overwhelming lust when you’re really attracted to someone. That’s a confusing feeling for someone who’s been in a monogamous relationship for almost 20 years. I’d go out on a limb and say it’s generally a confusing feeling for most mono-normative thinking couples on a whole. “WTF am I feeling” kinda shit. I love my husband, why can’t I stop thinking about fucking this other guy (or girl, whatever)!?!? Idk, maybe it was just me. Perhaps I was the only emotional moron in the swinging universe who felt like this. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and at a total loss when I realized my husband had been feeling the same way towards someone else.

So what to do when this happens??? Well, there’s lots of options depending on your level of relationship and emotional security. You could revel in it. You could bail and pull out of swinging altogether. You could start with open, honest dialogue with the opposing couple. You could be a train-wreck and passively aggressive sabotage your most meaningful relationship. Unfortunately, my preference was for the latter. As you’ll hear frequently, swinging will amplify the best and most likely the WORST parts of your relationship. I’m not sure a lot of the people I run into are ready for that. I sure wasn’t. Luckily, I had a spouse whose emotional maturity superseded my own ten-fold. His love and concern for my well-being brought us through the toughest of times. That’s one reason I happily refer to him as my St.Juan. It’s a nickname that suits him quite well. I’m glad we endured and I’m equally as impressed with the “new me” that has emerged. I’m not wearing any labels, nor am I placing them on anyone else. This is just me, take it or leave it. I’m finally ok with that. ~Marie