21st Feb2014

Rejection Sucks

by St. Juan and Marie

Whether you’re the giver or the receiver, rejection just sucks.  For those with a fair amount of insecurities, the sting sometimes lingers long after the bite. I tried to ignore dealing with rejection for quite some time. I hated telling people “no” and I limited my interactions with others because I was terribly afraid of being told “no”. On the other hand, my husband seemed to have very little issues with being rejected. He also didn’t have issues telling people no, but I always joke that he’d sleep with anyone who had a pulse so he really didn’t have to tell anyone “no”.  However, as consenting adults, we should aspire to dealing with rejection in a way that respects everyone’s feelings, no matter what end of the rejection rainbow we fall.

“I am good at walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject.”
― Jeanette WintersonWeight: The Myth of Atlas and Heracles

The more you practice being rejected, the easier it becomes to accept rejection. The first time it happens, it’s rather ego deflating and you ponder on it for quite sometimes. (Well, I did. I over analyze. It’s my super power.) Subsequent times, you shake it off faster and move on, beginning to realize it may not be you after all. You can’t be everything to everyone no matter how much you want it. It doesn’t matter how beautiful and amazing you think you may be, everyone has distinct tastes, desires, and needs that may or may not include what you have to offer . If you’re yellow, you can’t be red. If you’re a giraffe, you can’t be an elephant. You just are who you are.

I have also recently discovered that being the Rejecter also helps you accept rejection even more than before. I absolutely abhorred telling people “no”. It made me feel so bad. I’m more comfortable with it now that we’ve had practice doing it. It was frightening the first time we told a couple we weren’t interested. Getting over that initial hump is the first step on the road to escaping the fear. Soon after the experience, the fear subsided and I felt quite liberated. I don’t expect everyone we approach to be into us, so why was I feeling so bad about not being into everyone that approached us? It was a nice feeling to know I actually honored what I wanted.

We recently had a date. As always on first dates, I was skeptical and quite nervous. Imagine a scarred, snippy Chihuahua and that pretty much sums me up. (Of course, my husband is the only one whoever sees this. It’s “game on” when we actually meet people.) I knew within the first 30 seconds of meeting them that playtime was most likely off the table. After dinner was over, I was fully certain. They were very interesting people and had an allure, but not anything that was alluring me, either physically or mentally. I thought maybe if we went out again and hung out, perhaps. St. Juan and I had a long conversation the next day and it helped me realize that I had ZERO interest in another meeting with them.

At first, I felt bad about this and tried to think of all the ways we could avoid talking to them again so we wouldn’t have to tell them “we think you’re nice but………”. (I know, it’s pretty shitty. Sometimes that scared little 14-year-old girl comes out and I have to remind her she’s an adult now and needs to grow up.) I could easily just take the pussy way out of this and make St.Juan take care of it. However, I’m the one that is pulling the cards off the table so I feel inclined to be the bearer of this uncomfortable news. (At this point you may be thinking “how do you know they wanted to even play with ya’ll???” Well, because they told us in so many words and I just avoided eye contact because I don’t like that kind of pressure. See reference above to 14 yr. old girl)

So, I’m still at a crossroads on how to do this. Text message? Email? No way in hell I’m doing a phone conversation. Do I write a lengthy message explaining my four point thesis on rejection and how I am using this as an opportunity for growth? Do I just be blunt and risk hurting feelings?


Dear Alluring People Who Aren’t Alluring Enough For Me:

It’s not me, it’s you…..Wait! It is me, not you?!?! Why does this sound so weird and awkward? We don’t fit. This isn’t going to work. I know ya’ll have all kinds of cool stories and stuff, but I wasn’t feeling it. There was no chemistry. Sorry. Why am I sorry? I shouldn’t be sorry, because then I’m apologizing for my feelings and that’s lame. What I’m really sorry for is that I suck so much at rejecting people without making it super awkward for everyone involved. (Super Power #2, btw)

Good luck in life. If you ever see us again, let’s just act like old friends and pretend this never happened. Okay, Peace Out,

St. Juan and Marie (who’s as picky as hell and makes EVERY THING real awkward when she has to do stuff she doesn’t like)

One day, I’ll be much better at this. I think we all have to realize that most people are doing the best they can. Most of the time rejection has nothing to do with the person being rejected, but more about the person that is doing the rejection. How they approach rejecting people also says a lot ABOUT them and how they value other’s feelings. If they are ambivalent or assholes, that’s their actions to own and has nothing to do with you. They don’t have to explain themselves or their reasons on why they “don’t want you”. Once again, it really has nothing to do with you. Pick up, move on and as cliche as it sounds, “there are a lot of other fish in the sea”. Really, tons!!!! Cast your line again and your will eventually make a fine catch 🙂

There are a lot of factors to consider when creating a four way connection. More often than not, we aren’t going to connect with every couple we meet. We aren’t in this for the numbers and friendships are higher on our list of wants and needs. I’m goofy as fuck and although I seem tough as nails on the outside, I’m a sensitive mess on the inside. I need to be with other couples that understand and are cool with this concept, because in addition to being a phenomenal lays, we really do make even better friends.

I’m ending this, because I’m really rambling now. ~M